I have been a mum now for 18 days (as I write this) and I feel like I can't remember that much of it other than how quickly it's gone and how overwhelmed I have felt in that time.
The first week was the absolute hardest week I feel like I've had in an extremely long time. After a very eventful birth (I'll be writing up my birth story soon - it's going to take me some time to get that out in coherent sentences) I felt like there was so much I had to remember that the most important part about my new life was being forgotten about - I now have a brand new little baby to care for, to love and to enjoy.
Firstly - we had our baby boy Sebastian on September 23rd at 8.26pm. He was 3.786kg (8lb 5oz) and 49cm long. We didn't know what we were having, although I was pretty certain, and I specifically asked the Obstetrician to let my partner be the first one to find out the gender and to then let me know. I remember saying "told you so!" to him as soon as he said 'its a boy!'.
As I needed an emergency C-section they had pumped me so full of drugs and pain relief that I was extremely groggy for the first 36 hours after his birth. I remember coming-to every now and then but remember little else - it was a very patchy start to my little boy's life.
The overwhelming part was all the stuff I was supposed to remember to do as a new mum. I was trying to figure out breast feeding and, after meeting with 2 lactation consultants, realised I would need to use nipple shields - which I then had to learn how to use properly.
I was also having to remember what time Seb fed and for how long and which breast I put him on and when I changed his nappy last and if it was wet and/or dirty.
I also had to remember to do my pelvic floor exercises (still forgetting to do these) and how to care for my incision and myself post surgery and how long until I could drive again.
I had to remember when to change myself and to eat and how long Seb had slept for and if I was going to supplement with formula how much formula to make and how to sterilise bottles and make formula (I know this stuff already anyway!).
I also had to remember which symptoms to look out for in case of infection and when to see my GP or go back to the emergency department and how much weight Seb had lost when we were discharged home and how to clean his umbilical cord/belly button.
As you can see my mind was all over the place. I had significant trouble breastfeeding, even with the nipple shields and this was put down to having breast implants that interfered with my body knowing how much milk to produce. The lactation consultants advised me that as I was cut around the areola for my surgery that this can interfere with the nerves that send messages to and from my brain which may be why I didn't seem to 'fill' or have a 'let-down'. It was also incredibly painful, even when he latched on correctly - so much so I'd be in tears just feeding him and found myself dreading feeding time.
Every time someone asked me how feeding was going I burst into tears. I felt like I'd been trying so hard but was getting no where and felt immense guilt that I couldn't provide for my baby because I made a silly decision at 22 to get implants!
But I will soldier on and check in again soon and try to enjoy my little boy every minute I can because I know that we will never get these moments ever again.
xx Emily
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